Restrooms

I have found this week to truely reflect my brains inability to function when I have to pee. Just a few days ago I was reading a book. On the last page, I was walking to the bathroom in Holden Hall. As I was reading, I shoved the door open and entered the room. The aroma of urine filled my nostrals, and I looked up. the bath room was white. This would have been fine had it not been blue last time I used it....wait...are those urinals? yes. Just turn around and walk out. As the blood started to rush my face, I found myself telling everyone who saw that this was the consequence for having my nose in a book. At that moment I felt as if I were in a book myself. I then went into the the correct bathroom only to find the color blue more soothing than ever before. Today I simply locked myself out of Michael's room while he went on his rounds. He had to make sure everything was in order in the dorm area where he works. I had to use the restroom. What is it with restrooms and I...? Any way. I locked my self out, and now I sit in the company of two dead roaches in which i have taken the liberty to name. oscar and pete. I like two think that these two roaches were quite fetch with the ladies and talked with the accent of a Brit. Pete was the more silent type with a bit of mystery and intellegence. Oscar on the other hand was a bit more out going and full of charm and whit. If you are thinking about how attractive these two males sound, please remeber they are roaches. reguards, becca

Fear

There are things in life that scare me. Things like decisions. Decisions that could impact me for the rest of my life are being made everyday and that scares the living tar out of me. Not only the decision I make but that of those around me. The decisions of those around me effect me, but then it ultimately comes down to who do I decide to be around. Sure some people are planted like family but what about other relationships in my life. Are they good or bad? Am I overly paranoid? I see things and think of what they could become. I can see the best scenario and the worst. It simply boils down to my fear of what will be. Where will I be in ten years. Will I graduate? Will I be single or married. Will I have hurt someone? Will I have regrets? I fear the future do to the fact that I fear regret and disappointment. I fear I wont discern the voice of the Lord and run down a path that only has destruction and death. Fear is not of my father but my faith is weak and therefore I doubt that I am able to hear my King. Lord deliver me from this fear for it is not of you. Lord you are freedom of fear through grace and you have given me authority over this.

life

inbetween assignments and listening to my ipod. The semster is wrappnig up, and it seems all my projects are due and final tests are kickin my butt. The over whelming to do list seems to keep me busy but at the same time all this time, in the quite trying to knock things off my todo list, i find my self distracted by random poderings. Questions come to mind and self reflection that always seems to leave me in a tiff. I will never be that woman that walks into a room and knocks em dead and I will never be the smartest students in my engineering classes. However, I know who made me. I know he made me this way for a reason, but the narrow view I posses never seems to leave me with much to grasp on to besides him. I suppose thats the point:)

My Fast

For those of you who don't know, I have been fasting dating.

As I reach the end of my fast I realize what a rewarding year it has been, year of pain and healing. It was a year of opening old wounds to be doctored and healed. I have seen myself tear old walls down and accept myself for who God has formed me to be and not who I desired to become.

The first part of my fast was one of the hardest times in my life. It was a place where God broke me. He seemed to rip all I had from my hands in order to be put in their place. I came out of a relationship of almost 4 years and the loneliness of being without that crutch I had leaned on for that time was almost unbearable. I would curl up in a ball and just cry. I didn’t understand why my precious King insisted on giving me this pain as I walked out in obedience. I felt like I was in rehab and through this realized just how dependent I was on Blake and not on God. I realized that I was used to being built up by a man and I didn’t have a firm foundation of who I was and who my father made me to be. I didn’t have confidence in my Jesus.

As time went on I saw him begin to reveal the wounds he had opened in preparation to heal, areas of insecurity. Areas that I had covered and covered but the wounds had never healed. The scars that were overly tender. He revealed some of the enemies lies that I had believed. Lies like I was inadequate and stupid. He brought revelation about the weaknesses and tendencies of my flesh. He was teaching me the workings of my own heart. He was revealing to me why I felt certain ways and why I reacted certain ways to certain situations.

Though some of the scars of my heat still hurt I realize they are there and I am able to recognize them and speak truth and Gods healing power over them. When I feel like I’m falling into a rut, I can combat these lies that the enemy continues to try and use against me. Knowing the wounds of my heart I can more adequately defend myself from the attack of the enemy. I’m far from perfect in this area but I am continuing to learn and feel blessed to have such an amazing teacher.

This year I have learned so much more about my father. His desire for me is no longer just knowledge stored in my mind but a fact felt by my heart. His desire to use me and love me is never failing and his fathering heart is always working to teach me and prepare me as I step into a world that lives in darkness, a world that still believes the lies of the enemy and denies the glory and love of the true King.

As I came closer to the end of my fast my heart became inpatient and wanted to date. I wanted to date and my heart was tired of waiting even though the guy I wanted to date was willing to wait. My heart was no longer in my fast and I could see myself stubble and become bitter. I knew better though. I knew the gift of the father and what he had for me was so much bigger. I prayed and asked what to do with my heart. I was dreading the answer to this question. I didn’t want to hear what I thought he would say. I was expecting instructions to separate myself from this man and to give my heart space. I didn’t want to hear it but again I reminded myself of the goodness of God and all that he had done in this year. The words he had spoken and his loving arm that held me in many of the hard times. Instead of what I thought I would hear I heard

Date him

I couldn’t believe my ears and instantly though that I was telling myself that because that was what I wanted to hear. I asked again and felt peace with the same answer but still didn’t trust my own ears. I then asked him to speak to me through scripture. I heard psalm 21.

Psalm 21

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength.

How great is his joy in the victories you give!

2 You have granted him the desire of his heart

and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Selah

3 You welcomed him with rich blessings

and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

4 He asked you for life, and you gave it to him—

length of days, for ever and ever.

5 Through the victories you gave, his glory is great;

you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.

6 Surely you have granted him eternal blessings

and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

7 For the king trusts in the LORD;

through the unfailing love of the Most High

he will not be shaken.

8 Your hand will lay hold on all your enemies;

your right hand will seize your foes.

9 At the time of your appearing

you will make them like a fiery furnace.

In his wrath the LORD will swallow them up,

and his fire will consume them.

10 You will destroy their descendants from the earth,

their posterity from mankind.

11 Though they plot evil against you

and devise wicked schemes, they cannot succeed;

12 for you will make them turn their backs

when you aim at them with drawn bow.

13 Be exalted, O LORD, in your strength;

we will sing and praise your might.

After reading this passage I felt this feeling of completion and peace. I felt like God knew my heart and knew I would stick it out but wanted to bless me in a way that was unexpected. He knew that I was asking a question that I didn’t want to ask but I still asked. I don’t think that if I had just tried to avoid the subject and continued to deny this stumbling block he would have blessed me in such a way. I would have ended this fast with a guilt on my heart at the end of the semester instead of the joy instilled in me now.

I may have ended my fast, but as I ended it I felt like God really highlighted verse 4. “He asked you for life, and you gave it to him— length of days, for ever and ever.” He may have released me to date but my lifestyle of learning and the surrender of my life will NEVER end. He will always be my daddy and I will always be his daughter. I am called to a lifetime fast from my own agendas and my flesh. I am leaving it behind. I am pressing on. My King is glorious and I would be a fool not to run with all I have for his glory and kingdom.

Spaghetti

Have you ever heard of a mans mind being like waffles and the womans being like spaghetti? I heard this and as the explanation unfolded i thought it was extremely accurate. A man's mind is like boxes or waffles. One chunk to cover a subject. They don't intertwine and this helps them separate things like work and home or focus on one task at a time. They go from topic to topic opening one box and closing another.

Woman on the other hand are completely different. Every thing is intertwined. One thing will remind them of another and everything connects in one way or another. This is why you can see a conversation change subject three times in a mater of a minute. Its the way our minds work. We multi-task and seem to want to do everything at once.

This crazy mess of a mind has its benefits. It makes it possible to do things like relate what I learned about deformation and ductility in material science to how I need a more ductile nail polish so that it would not crack and chip. These ever crossing channels relate all aspects of life.

The down side to these channels is that they are even linked by emotion. One emotion can trigger a series of memories that once caused that emotion. You get upset and your mind recalls memories of being upset. You feel like a failure and memories of other failures and feeling of inadequacy are instantly recalled. Your mind triggers memories that link far past just the subject area. For example, you feel like you have come short academically and your mind reminds you that you feel inadequate in the way you look or the way you interact with people. These memories don't seem to do anything but intensify the emotions you were already feeling and cause you to fall deeper into a rut.

I think that God has made us in this fashion for a reason but the enemy uses what he can to manipulate the way our father made us. So chins up ladies we are fearfully and wonderfully made and should believe no other lies.

Run

Feelings rush through my thoughts.

Stresses are like a never ending nagging in my mind.

My mind wanders but then is forced back to reality.

I run to try and clear my mind.

I run my legs and body sore.

My mind is cleared just to be clustered again.

I embrace what my father has set before me but it is a bitter sweet dose.

I continue to run my legs numb from the cold and my chest burning from the cold air.

I ask why and don't understand.

I am tired.

I am worn.

Father wrap me in your arms for I need your comfort.

I need to know that you love your daughter.

My beautiful king i come to your feet.

Instill in me the faith that i lack.

Remind me of your goodness and never fail to pull me back.

Comfort

Our King desires us to take comfort in him. To curl up in his lab and take refuge under his wing. Taking comfort in my king is exactly what I need but so many times I run to other things. Things or people that are not in them selves bad but when replacing the king only lead to unfulfillable and destruction. We as people desire something tangible and immediate. We run to things that resemble him but are not him himself. We run toward the reflection I mentioned in the last blog. We are continually allowing our self to receive the next best when the best in sitting right in front of us.

So curl up with your bible, an awesome worship mix, a journal and pen to write down what he speaks. Have faith for he WILL speak. Pray for him to open your ears and eyes and expect that the king has so much for those who pursue him and desire him and his will.

Take action the king is among us.


PS. If you donr have an awesome worship mix i will make you one:)